


Not All Bad

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 20:58:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12872889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: After dinner with Chakotay, Kathryn has a ‘moment’. It changes their lives.





	Not All Bad

**Author's Note:**

> Entered in the 2005 PPP contest.

They were sitting on Chakotay’s couch after their weekly dinner laughing uproariously as he regaled her with the goings on of the gamma shift. The story involved Chell, a bowl of green jelly, a hoverball racquet and a giggling Megan Delaney who somehow finished up sitting on the semiclad Bolian’s chest, both of them liberally covered in green goo. They were both laughing so hard they could hardly catch a breath. Every time one of them would look like gaining some semblance of control, they would look at the other and collapse in fits. Kathryn’s head was resting on Chakotay’s upper arm and she gripped his forearm as she tried desperately to calm herself. She looked at him through her happy tears and it hit her like a photon torpedo. She loved this man. Really loved him. It came as something of a shock this realisation. With him and only with him could she relax and be herself, to let go of the mantle of command and be Kathryn. On this voyage with its unending demands it would be too easy to lose sight of the person underneath, the woman that she was.

She was staring at him with a look of open adoration in her eyes, no captain’s mask in place. Chakotay still chuckling looked down at her and was stunned by the look on her face. He stopped laughing and the smile slowly faded from his face.

“Kathryn?” he asked quietly. She jumped back with a start and began to apologise

“I’m sorry Chakotay, I ….uh, was …..um. I think I should call it a night.” Kathryn made to stand up, but Chakotay gently took her hand.

“You don’t have to go”

“Oh yes I do” she replied adamantly, trying to resist the urge to run.

“You haven’t finished your wine and we still have dessert. It’s your favourite coffee ice-cream.” Chakotay was desperate for her to stay. He had correctly interpreted the look on her face, and was unwilling to let this opportunity pass. He had been in love with her for years and knew that she had a strong affection for him but was unwilling to bridge the gap. Maybe, he thought, it was time to take action, forget protocols and Starfleet procedures and just kiss her like he had wanted to do for years. Before she had a chance to move he leaned over and touched his lips to hers. A firm, warm kiss that spoke of love and hidden passion. Kathryn took a few seconds to grasp what was happening then she pushed against him, jumped up and turned on Chakotay with a look of horror on her face.

“Why did you do that? What have you done?” She touched her fingers to her lips and looked like she was about to cry.

“Kathryn, I’m sorry, the look on your face… I thought …you seemed…..I don’t know what I thought. I was obviously very wrong and I apologise. Please come and sit down and finish your wine. I won’t touch you again. Please, don’t let this ruin our night.”

“It hasn’t ruined our night, Chakotay. It has ruined everything. Why did you do have to do that? It has spoiled everything. I can’t be with you. God, why can’t you see that?” She was pacing now and very agitated.

“Kathryn, sit down please. You’re overreacting. Just think of it as a kiss between friends. It doesn’t have to mean anything you don’t want it to mean.”

She looked at him as if he was mad. “You don’t understand anything, do you? A kiss from you could never be just a kiss between friends. It takes all my strength to keep this,” she waved her hand between them, “from taking over my life. You are my best friend, my only friend and the only link to ‘Kathryn’ that I have here in this God forsaken quadrant. With you I can be her without worrying about what the captain should be doing. Now that’s gone.” She sat down with a thud on one of Chakotay’s single chairs and put her head in her hands.

Chakotay was stunned. “What the hell are you talking about? You are Kathryn. You’re not two people. Is that how you try and live your life by splitting yourself down the middle? Spirits woman, that is a short cut to insanity. You are one person, Kathryn Janeway, who happens to be the captain of Voyager. Don’t you think you should be a little concerned about the fact that you talk about yourself in the third person? Kathryn is as much Captain Janeway as the captain is Kathryn. One cannot exist without the other. You can’t live this schizoid life without losing something of yourself in the process.” He was angry with her and couldn’t believe what he was hearing. She had been struggling to keep these parts of herself separate. He couldn’t understand why.

“You don’t understand at all, Commander. I don’t want to speak to you about this, especially if you’re in such a belligerent mood. I’ll see you in the morning.” She stood up and made her way to the door.

“Hey, hold on there. Now you’re slicing me in two. You can’t dismiss me like that, calling me Commander and expecting me to back off. I am still Chakotay your friend and no amount of ‘commandering’” he mimicked her voice as he said this, “will change that. I need you to make me understand.”

She had stopped on her way across his quarters and was listening to him, but had not turned around. “I don’t know if I can make you understand. For me it’s the only way I know how to command, particularly here in the Delta Quadrant where, as Tom would say, the buck stops with me. If Kathryn had her say on the Bridge, she would never send anyone on an away mission, never contact a new race, we would stay away from most phenomena and religiously avoid any confrontation. It’s really not all that complicated.” She turned around and looked at Chakotay with tears in her eyes. “You see, Kathryn cares too much about all of you to risk your lives. Kathryn couldn’t cope with the loss. Every time she has cared deeply for someone, they have been taken away. So I keep my distance and keep Kathryn locked away so she won’t get hurt. The captain is tough. Her heart is surrounded by a mantle of ice. Don’t look so shocked. Yes, I know that the lower decks call me ‘the ice maiden’. It serves me well. The distance is a blessing, because if they cared as much about me as I care about them it would be a disaster.” She swallowed with difficulty, determined not to cry. She successfully blinked the tears away.

“Kathryn, I’m so sorry for what has happened to you over the years but sweetheart, it’s too late. As much as you can try to distance yourself, we keep following. We already love you. All of us. Don’t you know that? The crew admire and respect the captain and would do anything for her; but Kathryn, they love her and would follow her to the gates of hell if they had to. So you have failed miserably, my love. You are the only one who sees the captain as a separate entity to Kathryn. She is indomitable, our Kathryn. As much as you try to hide her away, she shines through in everything that you do.” He moved closer to her and took her hand to lead her back to the couch. He sat down and pulled her down beside him. “Every time you touch one of us, encourage us, smile, joke, reassure us, push us or even reprimand us, Kathryn shines through and we love you all the more. There are many good captains but what makes you a great captain is Kathryn and that is who you are. Captain Kathryn Janeway, and we love you. I love you. So no more hiding. You’re lousy at it anyway.

“They love me? You love me?” Her shoulders drooped and she looked miserable. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. What am I expected to do now?”

Chakotay burst out laughing. “Kathryn, only you would see this devotion as a problem. You really are a case. You don’t have to do anything. No-one expects anything of you but to be yourself. Just continue as you always have. It’s worked up till now. Honestly, no-one expects you to be superhuman not even Starfleet.” He leaned back into the couch. “Can you tell me where in the Starfleet regulations it says that a captain has to remain completely aloof from the crew? Protocols are one thing but isolation is entirely different. I don’t believe that even the most rigid Starfleet hardarse would insist on you being alone for the rest of your life. It’s not healthy for one thing, not to mention unnatural. Kathryn, you’re one of the most gregarious people that I know. No wonder you’re having trouble coping. What you’re doing goes completely against your nature. Just accept the love and devotion and your life will be so much simpler.” She did not look convinced.

“How can you be so calm about this? You don’t know what happens to me when I lose control. I let myself get close to Kes. I couldn’t help it and then it took me months to come to terms with her loss. To be honest, I never really ever got over it. Every time we lose a member of the crew, a little bit more of my heart withers. I just can’t brush it off like the rest of you. You’re all my responsibility. You can laugh at me if you like, but I take my responsibility seriously.” She was getting agitated at his inability to grasp the depth of her problem. He looked amused and it made her want to hit him.

“Kathryn, we don’t just brush it off, and I am certainly not laughing at you. I of all people know how seriously you take your responsibility to the crew. When one of us dies, we all grieve but we do it together. We support one another. We share the sadness of their loss, but also rejoice in having known them. Did you know that impromptu wakes are held in one of the large storage bays on deck 11; usually hosted by the engineering crew? They are of course, the ones with the still and the hooch.” He was trying to gauge her reaction to this information. It seemed there were still a few things that went on aboard Voyager that the captain was not aware of. “You should join us, I’m sure you’d feel better. You don’t have to bear the burden on your own.”

“Oh, but I do. You see, I’m the one who made the choice to strand us all out here. Therefore the burden is mine. They blame me. I see it in their eyes sometimes, especially those with families back home.” She looked at him challengingly, daring him to tell her it wasn’t so. Little did she realise how ready for the challenge he was.

“Bullshit. I can tell you without a doubt there is not one crewmember who blames you for being here in the Delta Quadrant. Most of the crew are Starfleet trained and are well aware of the risks taken on every mission, no matter how benign it’s intended to be. The rest of the crew are Maquis and had they been ‘home’ they would all be dead; massacred on Tevlik with their comrades, me included.” That little gem certainly made her blink. “What you see is your own misguided guilt reflected. Kathryn, get over yourself. This is self indulgent and unnecessarily self destructive. I’ll keep on loving you no matter what. I’m not asking anything of you in return. I can live with things the way they are, but we, as a crew, need you and if you keep this up you won’t survive, and if you don’t, we don’t. You’re the driving force behind this crew and the trip home. We need you to get us there.”

“Oh, that’s great. No pressure, huh? Chakotay, I think you overestimate my importance. Any one of the senior staff if called upon could get this crew home. I’m not that indispensable. Besides, as captain, the chances of me making it home in one piece are pretty slim.” She almost sounded as if she was pleased with this notion.

“Well, Kathryn, my love, that is even more reason to live life while you can. If you intend for it to be a short stint you’d better get moving. There are a lot of things you haven’t done yet, in fact I can think of a few off the top of my head. Climbing the Cliffs of Heaven on Cirrus IV, cave diving on Bracas V, solar sailing the rings of Saturn, getting married, having babies, all sorts of things. Time to get a move on if you want to get it all done.” He was looking at her with a sardonic smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.

She looked at him, shocked at his brazenness, then she quirked her lopsided smile. It was too hard to stay angry with him for long, especially when he was so irreverent. He kept blowing her perfectly sound arguments right out of the water. What was she going to do with him? This wicked voice in her head started reeling off several ideas that she wasn’t sure she was ready to contemplate, delightful as they might be.

“Chakotay, you’re impossible. How am I supposed to stay angry with you? It worries me though. I don’t know if I can let down the barriers that easily. I always accepted that I’d have to do this on my own.”

“Kathryn, how many times have you been told that you’re not alone. I think it’s about time you started sharing some of the responsibilities of command. Tuvok and I are both here and are more than happy to take some of the load.” She looked wary.

“Don’t worry, you’ll always be the captain. I certainly don’t want the job, but my love, it’s time for you to start living again, and please can we stop this Kathryn/captain thing. It’s kind of weird, you know.” He stroked her arm and took hold of her hand. “I promise I won’t let anything happen to you. We’ll have our losses, but we will have our gains. However, I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you and you won’t ever have to cope alone. Now, can we finish our wine and have our dessert? I didn’t finish telling you what happened when Freddie Bristow walked in on Chell and Megan and tripped over the hoverball racquet.”

She looked at him completely bemused. This had been one of the most intense conversations they’d ever had and now he just wanted to drink wine and eat ice-cream like nothing had happened.

“Chakotay, you can’t just open this Pandora’s Box and then just pretend things are the same. What do we do about us? How do we deal with our feelings?” She needed to get this sorted out and now.

“Kathryn, what do you want me to say and do? Why do we have to deal with anything? As far as I’m concerned nothing has changed. I have loved you for years and I think you feel the same, so essentially nothing has changed. The fact that I’ve told you how I feel doesn’t mean anything is different. Mind you, it would be nice to know how you feel, but only if you want to. I’m happy to continue as we have been. What we have is wonderful.” She was overwhelmed by the generosity of this man. He was willing to stay by her side, love her and support her and do so without any expectations of her. This was love in its truest form. There really was only one thing to do in the face of this devotion. ‘Kathryn’ surged to the surface and the ‘captain’ was shoved back in her box. She threw herself into his arms and held on tight. He smiled as he wrapped his arms around her. She smiled to herself. What a relief. It felt so right to be held in his arms. She had needed this for so long and had fought against it. It was true. Nothing could hurt her here.

They were semi reclined on the couch, her head resting on his chest. With her eyes closed she moved her hand up and caressed his neck and cheek. A sense of calm and peace settled over her. She was where she was meant to be. It was like a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She had been fighting this feeling for so long that giving in to it made her feel lighter and happier than she had in years. He had told her years ago that she brought him peace, but it was equally true that he did the same for her. She pulled back a little and looked into his eyes. He was smiling at her with this irritatingly knowing look on his face. She pretended to look cross. “You are a bastard you know. You knew eventually it would come to this. I could just hit you.”

“What ever turns you on, Kathryn.” He quirked an eyebrow but was still smiling at her. She couldn’t help smiling back. She caressed his face again and traced his tattoo with her fingers, something she had wanted to do for years. He just lay back and let her lead the way. He was completely relaxed and happy to let her set the pace. What he had said was true. He loved her and was happy to continue as they were if she was unable to give anymore. To others it may seem weak and docile, but he knew she was the woman for him and he was willing to wait, for how ever long it took. By the look on her face though, he wasn’t going to have to wait for long. Her eyes when she looked at him again had darkened and there was a heat emanating from her that hadn’t been there before.

“Could I stay with you tonight?” She looked shy and unsure, and started babbling. “If you don’t want me to that would be alright. I know it’s sudden and if you need more time to think about it, that would be….”

“Kathryn, shut up.” He leant forward and kissed her. This time she didn’t pull away. In fact she seemed like she was trying to crawl inside his skin. She started pulling at his clothing trying to get to his bare chest. She was almost frantic. He gently held her hands in his and they unbuttoned his shirt together. She looked at him slightly embarrassed, but he just smiled at her and gave her a quick kiss on the nose.

“I haven’t done this in such a long time. I think I’ve forgotten what to do. That’s kind of sad, isn’t it? I’m sorry I’ve left this so long.” She looked at him very seriously, touched his cheek and said the words he had dreamed of hearing from her for years.

“I love you, Chakotay. You are my warrior and always have been. Thank you for saving me from myself, literally. I owe you my life.” She looked at him questioningly. “Does that mean you own me?” She looked thoughtful, and then smiled a gentle smile. “Mind you I kind of like the sound of that, you know.”

“It’s fine with me too. How about we call it a mutual ownership. I own you and you own me. I love you, Kathryn, but I really need to touch you now.” She nodded her head, so overcome by the look of desire on his face that words would not come. He was running his hands down her arms and up her sides skimming past her breasts. He leant forward and captured her mouth again, his tongue tangling with hers, both their breaths coming in short gasps. She was beside herself with desire. She couldn’t ever remember being so aroused. She wasn’t sure if it was him or the fact it had been so long, but she had a pretty good idea who the culprit was. They had managed to divest each other of their clothes and were running their hands over each other touching where ever they could reach.

Chakotay stopped suddenly, hoisting her into his arms and carrying her into the bedroom. “If we’re going to do this, we’re doing it properly.”

She laughed up at him. “I don’t think we could do it any other way even if we tried, but without the carpet burns would be good.” They flopped together onto the bed still laughing.

Their coupling was joyous. Kathryn had always approached sex like everything she had ever done. With serious intent. Chakotay would not allow it. With him their lovemaking was filled with happiness, exploration, joy and even laughter. It was one of the most intensely blissful experiences of her life. It filled all her dark places and shed light on the shadows that had followed her for years. She woke the next morning a whole person, stronger, content, sated and filled with love for this man. He was lying beside her still asleep, gently snoring. He looked peaceful as well, and a small smile played around his mouth even in sleep. It made her happy to see him like this and to think that she was responsible for some measure of his happiness. There was no going back now. They were in this for the long haul and Starfleet be damned. Her only real concern was the crew, but if what Chakotay said was true, they would be happy for them. She hoped so. He rolled over and pulled her to him and snuggled her into his side. It was lovely to be so adored. Even in his sleep he was protective of her and her heart swelled.

The computer chimed his wake up call and Chakotay opened his eyes and smiled at her. “Good morning, my love. Did you sleep well?” He leant over and kissed her.

“Like I haven’t slept in years. I wish we could stay here longer but I have the early shift and I think you’re due in engineering.” She was caressing his chest, paying particular attention to his nipples.

“Kathryn, if you keep that up we’re both going to be very late for work.” He kissed her hard on the lips, smacked her bottom as he leapt out of bed and yelled. “Race you to the shower. Last one in is a rotten egg.”

“Oh, you!” She tried to grab him as he ran past but he was too fast. They showered quickly, somehow managing to keep their hands pretty much to themselves. She hurriedly donned her clothes from the night before to get back to her quarters for a fresh uniform. They kissed goodbye at his door.

He grabbed her hand as she turned to leave. “Meet me in the mess hall in 10 minutes? We still have time for a quick breakfast.”

Nodding, she touched his cheek affectionately as the doors opened. Tabor and Jor were walking past as she left, and they smiled but seemed unconcerned at the obvious change in the command team’s relationship. It gave Kathryn confidence that this would not impact too much on the crew and they could make this work. She certainly loved him enough to feel that they could overcome almost any obstacle. Today she felt positively indestructible. Watch out Delta Quadrant.

Getting back to her quarters, she changed into her uniform and headed to the mess hall. She couldn’t keep the smile off her face. She was truly happy, something she hadn’t been for such a long time. She walked through the doors and scanned the room. He was sitting at their regular table with a plate of food and two cups in front of him. She made her way to the table. She thought that now was as good a time as any to gauge the crew’s reaction. She arrived at the table, bent over and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. Smiling, she sat down opposite him, picked up her coffee and popped a piece of muffin in her mouth. He looked back at her and quirked an eyebrow. Her smile widened and he returned it, dimples and all.

Then they heard it. A slow clap that was joined by more and more hands clapping until the whole mess hall was applauding and cheering. Kathryn reached across the table and took his hand. They stood in front of their crew, smiling at each other. Chakotay pulled her to him and they took a bow, and then took their seats again as the room settled. Tom and B’Elanna made their way over and sat down with their commanding officers.

“OK, you two, give.” B’Elanna was looking at each one in turn. “When did this happen and why didn’t you tell us so we could have won the betting pool.” Chakotay looked at Kathryn to see how she was coping with B’Elanna’s blatant outburst. She laughed.

“Well, Lieutenant, if we had known it was going to happen when it did, I would have put money on the pool and made it really worth my while.” She winked at Chakotay.

“Thanks so much, Kathryn. You know how to feed a man’s ego.”

“It doesn’t need feeding, Chakotay. It’s entirely self sufficient.” She turned to Tom. “And as for the illegal running of betting pools on Voyager, perhaps we should have a little chat, Mr Paris?” Tom looked at B’Elanna with an exasperated look on his face.

“No need, Captain, no need. They’re a thing of the past, as of a few minutes ago. The biggest bet has just been won anyway so there’s not much point anymore. By the way, congratulations, and if you don’t mind my saying, it’s about time.”

“Thank you, Tom. Now I think some of us are due on the Bridge and at our posts. Good bye, B’Elanna.” She stood up to leave but couldn’t help herself. She bent forward and gave Chakotay another kiss then brought her mouth to his ear and whispered.

“See you later, my love.”

She stood up and gave him a saucy look. As she turned, her captain’s mask fell into place, and she strode out the door calling behind her. “Close that mouth, Mr Paris, before someone docks a shuttle in there and hurry up. You’ll be late for shift.”

Chakotay sat in his seat smiling, watching as she disappeared out the mess hall doors with Paris scurrying behind her. God, what a woman. Life would never be boring, that was for sure. He was just so happy to be along for the ride.

- _fin_ -


End file.
